I know this blog post isn’t going to be read like every other one that hasn’t been read. So I’ll just rant away because I’m hoping for some comfort in getting this all out. I feel like such a burden to my family and my autumn and friend’s. To my family because my prosthetic foot is badly falling apart I can no longer add anymore duck tape to it because otherwise I can’t wear shoes. And I know getting a new foot will cost a hella lot of money 😦 I don’t have a job at the moment either so that doesn’t help how I’m feeling either. so I’m wallowing tonight I know I shouldn’t I can’t help it.

I always say I wish I’d of died when they were deciding if I should live or die. Because it seems like  right away when I was born I’d been giving a  curse or so I like to call it. I just realized this recently it feels like I was cursed. Thing’s have gone wrong or bad all my life. Maybe it’s just shitty luck too I don’t know. I’m just confused feeling lost, alone I want to just break down curl in a ball and cry. Guess I really don’t feel like ranting anymore. Sorry to of wasted ur time while u read this. Good Night.

…Rantings…

….. Well I know I haven’t been in here “forever” and I’m sorry for those of you who have wondered where I have been. I know my not having anything good to say nothing to blog about is really a lame excuse it is one I’m sticking with though. I’ve got so much on my mind I’m not really sure where to start or how to start. I’m confused I think. I know I’m unsure. While things with me are going alright I  can’t really complain. There is this small voice in my head confusing the hell out of me I don’t know why or understand. It keeps saying why be in a relationship that so many people are flipping out over all over the world because same sex marriage shouldn’t be possible. They just don’t understand us I guess.

 And for once in a “very” long time I’m not stuck in the shadows of darkness. She brings light into every inch of my world. My Autumn who I couldn’t do life without. Now if I only had the heart and nerve to tell my family and she to tell her family. We’re both just terrified of the out come of all of this because from what I’ve heard and read many families don’t ever bounce back from something like this quickly and not that I’m excepting them to understand or even to forgive me for not telling them or not making it a guy that I should  love cause lets face it u can’t control who u fall in love with.. right? 

I wouldn’t trade her for the whole world. She is my entire world. I’m happy. U would think that my family would only care that I’m happy. At least that is what I keep telling myself anyways. I know they will be angry, hurt, embarrassed, confused. Those r all the things I’ve gone through while been with her. So I  at least know  how they will feel. I just wish they could if I ever told them that they could just welcome me with open arms and accept me for who I ‘am it’s not like I’m a hooker Lol.

I’m still me just me with a gf instead of a bf. I’m sorry that’s who I choose to love. It has nothing to do with my past (which I’m still trying frigging hard to get over and past.)  ’cause I’m tired of living in the past and having the memories always there reminding me everyday even the smallest thing will trigger it and I’ll be stuck wallowing damn it! ! ! ! !  We’re only humans straight, bi or gay. We’re only doing what human’s do. Shouldn’t be put on this earth if just to be judged because we’re different. We work, pay taxes, have friends, go to the movies. We shouldn’t have to apologize we shouldn’t have to hide or be afraid to go outside or shop. People shouldn’t be so mean or cruel towards us. Please just accept me and anyone else out there whose the same sex. 🙂 I’ve got a few friends that are gay and I have to admit they are some of the best friends I could ever ask for they mean a great deal to me.

Anyways… I think I’ve wrote enough for tonight.

                                                                         Good Night!!

This world doesn’t make sense anymore

…Takes deep breathe…

I’m so confused about things in this life..

Two people never intend to really fall in love right away. Any two people (gay, lesbian, straight or bi) You can’t blame us for finding love even when to you it isn’t the right kind of love. We didn’t do this to hurt any of you or cause you to be angry at us because we did something you don’t approve of. If you could only see that we’re really happy, we are who were supposed to be with for the rest of our lives. Why don’t they just look past all that and be happy for us?

My bestie recently came out of the closet about her realionship with a girl. And also my bestie is married. yes i said marred.  I gotta admnit I’ve very very proud of her. She did the right thing by telling them, even if it was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. I’m happy for her, accept her and love her no matter who she is with. And the  very thought of telling my parents that I’m dating a girl scares the little hell outta me.

I’m pretty sure I know what would happen if I opened up about it. I’d rather not go into detail.  It scares me that they would probably try to make me stop seening her. Which I wouldn’t!! ( Hence thats why I’m planning to move out.) I know writing them a letter and leaving it for them isn’t the best way to tell them i’m moving. I just think its the best I can do.  I don’t think I should be judged for it.

 

…Sighs…

I love her and I know to them that’s the wrong thing to do. But u know what?? It’s MY LIFE!!! fuck them and their judgements and hard words (that I’ll eventually have to listen to some day soon.) But I love her and I feel so right with her so whole. More whole then I have in my entire life. My life’s not that bad. I mean yes my past was and I still deal with that EVERY DAMNED DAY!! I make it through my days and get past it all one day at a time. Autumn makes things so much better for me. There isn’t another one like her in this world. So I gotta great catch 😉

Confused about this world and life. It was mega easier as a child. You didn’t have a care in the world. I know I always said I wanted to grow up, now I wish I  could take that back and do it all over. This world is so crazy and insane now days. What happened?? I feel like everything’s just gonna come tumbling down and there won’t be a damn thing anyone can do. I watch old movies like ( i love lucy and little house) I sometimes wish we could go back just a litle bit to those days kinda rolled all into one. Ik that sounds silly and doesn’t make any sence. Nobody has to even understand what I’m sayin I’m just rambling venting.

Morning Coffee, Thoughts, ,Game, Ranting.

Having a lot on my mind really makes this blog come in handy lately. I’am having my morning cofeee at the moment. I got a short letter from my friend Jamie today, she was at the docs taking tests run to take sure her and her baby are healthy. So I’ll have to write her back eventually when I find the time this week. Then my weight loss thing is still going but not as much as it used to be I wanna work out I just find other things to do so that I don’t have to do it or it really does get to late. Although I’ll get back into I’ve been kind of busy lately with baking, thinking things over, worrying about our one old cat Smokey he is really sick and skinny we think its something bad but we never took him in cause we knew what they would tell us. So we just let things go as they are being handed to us.

He’s eating, drinking and everything. Hanging on the little guy he. He is such a  NICE sweet cat he’ll be missed once he goes. We’re hoping he’ll get better those becuz we love having him around. *Sighs* I talked to my friend Hezzie today bout my whole moving situation.

I asked her:  I was wondering if my whole moving thing is a good idea? Do u think it is because I’m unsure if im doing the right thing maybe its bcuz i’m leaving home and maybe i care about what my parents are gonna think. or maybe its that i’m scared i wont make it out there. That I’ll fail even at that. I’m starting to get cold feet.

She replied:  I think if you weren’t nervous about it then it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. this is a huge change in your life and you should be nervous,.. You should get cold feet… It makes sense to.   So, now I feel a little better about that because honestly I really am nervous about all this. I’ve never done anything like this before in my whole life. I’m about to find out things I probably never thought possible. So many things to worry about once I get there *heavy sigh* I’m sure I’ll figure it all out soon enough. I just feel better now that I got that all talked out with my bestie 🙂 shes RULES!!!

I’ve still gotta lot of stuff to get packed and I would do that today I’m just trying not to make my room look like I’m moving out ya know. I’m being careful more or less. Yup Yup!!  I always kept wanting what all my friends have, marrige, kids, love with the right person the soulmate. And well now I believe I found that with Autumn becuz we connect in away I never thought I could connect with anyone. physically, emotionally, romanticality. It’s so deep and it feels just right to be with her. I could spend the rest of my life just listening to her laugh watching her sleep listening to her talk. She makes me feel good about myself even though I am kind of a  pain in the ass. She still loves me anyways no matter what. I’m playing games on facebook or I was I stopped so I could write this out 🙂 I’m talking to my friend Dom on fb though she’s talking about a band from somewhere in Europe, The bands name is Within Temptation. It’s rock but it’s in a subgenre of rock called symphonic metal. I told her they sounded kind of interesting and they do. *Waves excitedly* Hi Dom!!!! Thank U for reading my blog. Everyone have a good day I hope someone COMMENTS on this!

 

 

Sleepless

Figured then that I might as well work on my pastic canvas since I was awake anyways. So I worked on it for awhile I kept messing up so I decied to just finally go to sleep. Then I  kept getting woking up by Gomer who wouldn’t leave my hair alone! He likes to clean my head but my hairs so long that he can’ t lick it very much and he won’t stop so I moved him to the other side of the pillow hoping he would lay down and he did finally!! Then I finally went to sleep.